Setting Healthy Boundaries: The Key to Stronger Relationships
“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.” - Lori Deschene
Saying no can be one of the most difficult things to say, especially for those who are highly empathic and sensitive to the feelings of others. Learning to say no is part of learning to set appropriate boundaries and limits. If we allow ourselves to say yes to things that go against our will or judgment in order to please someone else, we may end up harboring resentment or feeling used, especially when the other person does not reciprocate in the same way. Or, if we say yes to invitations or commitments when our energy is depleted and what we really need is time to recharge, we may end up feeling even more exhausted and ultimately, burnt out. Find the words to convey “no” that feel authentic to you and are in line with who you are. For example, if you are wanting to show appreciation and kindness for an invite to a social event while honoring your need to rest, you can say, “I sincerely appreciate the invitation, but unfortunately, I will have to decline.” There is no requirement to provide an explanation or indulge in attempts to make the other person feel better. If you’re used to saying yes when what you truly want to say is no, try it out and see what happens. You might just be surprised by how good it feels!
Boundaries Are a Learned Skill
Being born into a dysfunctional family is like being born into a shark tank. You become an expert shark wrangler to survive. As an adult, you might take pride in your shark-wrangling skills. But, it is only when you realize you can now CHOOSE a new tank, rather than just MANAGE what you are used to, that you find true freedom. Sharks might be more familiar to you, but dolphins are a hell of a lot more fun.
Learning to manage toxic and unsafe people is a little like swimming with sharks. As a kid, we don't have the option to get out of the shark tank we were born into. So we become experts at managing the sharks. As adults, people with these skills may think it is a sign of healing that they can swim with sharks and avoid getting bitten, most of the time. It is indeed a sign of resilience and adaptability. But, a sign of a deeper level of healing is when you look around the shark tank and say, "This sucks and is too stressful! I'm getting out of here and jumping into the dolphin tank over there. I may not have as much experience with dolphins, but it looks a lot safer and more fun."
In other words, as adults, we forget that we can save our shark-management skills for emergencies and can CHOOSE to change locations, friend groups, jobs, and time spent with toxic people. Discovering our power to choose rather than just manage is a beautiful and life-changing moment in our healing journey.
If you want to learn more about how therapy can help you with setting healthy boundaries, book a free consultation with Thrive Psychology Group. We offer in-person therapy in California and New York, as well as online therapy in more than 42 states.
How Boundaries Let People In
Boundaries are not just about keeping people out, they are about letting people in.
Think of your life as an island. You have limited space and resources. Every person you let on your island who isn't meant to be there is taking the space of someone who is meant to be there. Let me say that again. For every person you let into your life who is not meant to be there...there is some other person (one of your special people) who is not in your life. A lack of boundaries doesn't just hurt you, it hurts the people around you...it hurts the people who are meant to be around you who aren’t because you don’t allow space for them to come in. It hurts the people you neglect because you misspent your time and energy. It hurts the person who is in your life because they are meant to be elsewhere. Boundaries aren't selfish. They are an incredible act of wisdom and kindness to yourself and others. Take a census of your life-island and figure out who needs to be removed or limited so that space can be freed up for the people meant to live there.
Boundaries Aren’t Just About Saying “No”, They Are Agreements That Help Us Say “Yes”
Having relationships without boundaries is like inviting someone over for dinner without knowing if they will leave in an hour or move in, mess up your place, wear your underwear, and never leave.
If you threw every dinner party with zero boundaries or expectations, you’d either become the shut-in who never talks to anyone because you are so afraid to let anyone in your house or you’ll be the neighborhood weirdo with a house full of squatters and a yard full of garbage.
All relationships need agreements. Just like dinner parties, we need to set expectations. Who is bringing the dessert? When do things start and end? Is there a plus one? Is this casual or formal? The less the guest and host know each other, the more these need to be stated clearly. The reason your best friend can come chill with minimal direction is that you two already have set expectations for behaviors and norms through multiple hang-outs.
So, why is it that in other areas of relationships, we are so afraid to set some ground rules and expectations? Yes, I want to see you. But, no, you can’t gossip about me. No, you can’t ghost me. No, you can’t come and go on your schedule without consideration of mine. Being boundaryless doesn’t make you laid back. It stresses everyone out because no one knows what the agreements of the relationship are and they can’t trust you to voice them. Just like a dinner party invitation with zero information, the people showing up to your life have no idea what to expect or if they even want to be there.
So, like a dinner party, be clear about what matters to you, and collaborate with your (life) guests on what everyone wants to bring and what everyone expects. Some people will RSVP “no” to being part of your life when they realize you won’t let them move into your (emotional) house. That may hurt in the moment, but it will save you years of future pain.
Also, the boundaries go both ways. Practice asking what others expect of you when they invite you over to their lives. (Is this a neighborhood potluck or a swingers party? Because my RSVP is fully dependent on that information.) Clear agreements and boundaries will make your parties and your life a lot more fun and relaxed.
Boundaries Help Us Be Fully Who We Are Meant To Be
Playing small isn’t safe. It is the most dangerous thing you can do. But, if you have bad boundaries, you are trying to stay safe by playing small.
When we are young, playing small keeps us safe. Children are the most vulnerable of all baby mammals. Because humans walk on two legs instead of four, we have to birth our babies through a much smaller pelvic canal, which means human babies are much less developed and much more vulnerable. Baby horses pop out running. Baby humans are barely mobile at all. This means we are absolutely at the mercy of our parents as our sole source of protection. Being cute, pleasing, and lovable to our caregivers is a very powerful survival instinct. So, we learn to please and modify ourselves to gain acceptance and protection from our parents. If our parents, for whatever reason, can’t hold space for us to disagree or challenge them, we must appease them to survive.
However, this becomes hugely problematic when we are adults. This survival skill of appeasement, codependency, and self-minimizing doesn’t fit anymore. We all know people who live their whole adult lives waiting for someone else to save them, to validate them, and to protect them. We all do it to some extent until we step into our fullness as adults. But, when we don’t own our own power and instead play small, it confuses and irritates others. It tends to attract narcissists and codependent people looking to play savior…at a cost of our freedom to grow and be independent. It is a turn-off to people who see us as adults and who are baffled by our unwillingness to be our full selves. What was once our very best safety mechanism, is now a serious liability to every aspect of our lives.
So, remember, instead of moving through life as vulnerable prey, dependent on the affection and goodwill of stronger people…remember that you are powerful in ways you have barely begun to grasp. Start to test that power with boundaries, speaking your truth, stepping out of expected roles for you, and see how it feels to live life as your right size. See who is threatened, who is attracted, and who will grow with you. It is the safest thing you can do.
Boundaries Are Used to Protect Not to Harm
A really effective motto for determining boundaries is: “Do no harm. Take no shit.”
We are often taught that if we are polite, people will like us and we will be safe. Nope. In fact, there are people who will use your politeness against you to take from you and hurt you. So, offer instead the motto "Do no harm. Take no shit." You don't have to start fights, but if someone tries to hurt you or steal from you or someone you love, you can end that fight. You are your own Mama Bear. Nurturing and loving, but nature's most dangerous creature if someone tries to hurt you or your loved ones.
Our Boundaries Also Benefit Those Around Us
Repeat after me: "Today I choose not to throw myself between people and the consequences of their choices. I am not a karmic bodyguard and I am no longer an enabler."
We aren't responsible for saving people from the consequences of their own actions. You can forgive someone and wish them well and still let them have consequences. Sometimes you are the one giving those consequences when that person has lost your trust. And sometimes those consequences come through external sources. Even if we know that person will be uncomfortable or feel pain, we can't jump in front of them on their path of growth. Natural consequences aren't revenge and they aren't petty scorekeeping. We gain nothing by acting as a judge over another's life and actions or by holding a grudge. So, when someone hurts you, feel the pain, give yourself loving nurture, set boundaries to protect yourself, and release back onto their path of growth.
If you are struggling to know where to begin when setting boundaries, therapy can be an incredible way to start the journey.
Book your free 30-minute consultation today!
Reach out to us to discover more about our Thrive psychologists and how we can support you. We're eager to embark on this therapeutic journey with you.
Our patient care coordinator would be happy to assist you in your search: