Sex and Body Image: Cultivating Confidence and Connection
Your body image has a lot of power in your sex life and when you struggle with body image it can negatively impact your sexual experience, your ability to connect with your partner, and even cause you to avoid intimacy altogether. If you struggle with your body image, know that you aren’t alone and that there are ways to heal your relationship to your body. Here are some ways that body image impacts sex and ways to overcome the negative impacts:
4 ways body image impacts sex for women
Avoidance of sex: If someone feels awful about their body, they may avoid sex, certain positions/activities (i.e. only laying on their back to make their stomach appear flatter), sex with the lights on, or being seen nude. Avoidance also makes body image problems worse because the lack of sex reinforces their belief that their body is undesirable and prevents them from experiencing evidence to the contrary.
Disconnect: To have an orgasm, feel pleasure, and be connected with your partner, you have to be able to focus on sex, staying present and engaged. If part of your focus is on your appearance, you can't be fully present. It also leads to "spectatoring," where you view sex as a spectator (observing how your body looks) rather than as a participant. This causes sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction.
Vulva shame: Women are told that our vulvas and vaginas are gross, smelly, hairy, etc.. Perhaps a RUDE ex has said something along these lines. This can lead to body image concern about vulvas specifically, even when you otherwise feel okay about your body. I cannot tell you how many people are convinced that they are too smelly/hairy/symmetrical/long (in the case of labia), too SOMETHING, when in reality their vulvas are totally normal. There is as much diversity in vulvas as there is in women. Vulva shame can lead to avoidance, especially of oral sex.
Partner impact: It doesn't feel good when your partner is disengaged and rejecting intimacy and compliments. It also feels awful to see the person you love hurting. The impact includes feeling rejected when intimacy is declined, feeling that their desire for their partner is invalidated, feeling the sincerity of their compliments is in question, and can reduce sexual satisfaction. Additionally, the partners can become distracted during intimacy by trying to reassure their partner or worrying about if they are present, upset, etc.
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Unwanted Threesomes: You, Your Partner, and The Media
Perhaps the most unwanted threesome out there is you, your partner, and the media. Whether or not threesomes are your thing, nobody wants to have sexual intimacy with someone who makes them feel bad, and the media too often play this role. Sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks, other times, it’s so subtle you may not even realize you’re being impacted.
When such a narrow range of bodies are presented as attractive, it makes people with different bodies feel less valuable or attractive. It can also create a perception that other appearances are "abnormal" in some way. For example, long, ruffly, asymmetrical labia are totally common and normal, as is pubic hair past the bikini line, on the thighs and around the anus, yet, women view these traits as less than, unattractive, or worse, “gross.”
8 tips to improve your body image in the bedroom
Always remember that somebody out there loves what you have!: The wonderful thing about sexuality is how varied and individual everyone’s sexuality is. There are people out there who love small breasts, large breasts, droopy breasts, breasts with big nipples, breasts with little nipples. There are people who love large bodies, tall bodies, short bodies, and bodies with disabilities. There are people who love different skin tones, hair textures, wrinkles, scars, long labia, little labia, big clits, little clits. AND, most people don’t actually care much at all! Your partner isn’t going to be with you for your appearance alone (if they are, RUN), but rather who you are, how you treat them, chemistry, etc.
Challenge your negative thoughts: Educate yourself on the wide range of variety in penises, breasts, vulvas, etc.. Remind yourself (assuming you're in a safe relationship) that your partner knows what you look like and desires you as you are. The biggest key here is to talk back to critical thoughts and check the evidence for them.
Find sexual positions that work for YOUR body: There are different penetration positions that allow different depths of penetration and degrees of control. Learn about them and use what works best for you and your partner. Also, for penile-vaginal intercourse where a large penis is involved, allow sufficient sexual activity prior to penetration to allow the uterus to lift and lengthen the vagina (part of sexual arousal that can take a bit of time) to reduce discomfort.
Practice noticing: When difficult feelings arise and catching yourself thinking negatively about your body. Then IMMEDIATELY rephrase those thoughts in a more neutral, non-judgmental way. For example, instead of "ugh, my thighs are so ______" try saying "my thighs are strong and help me hike, have sex, etc." I recommend striving for neutral statements because if you are struggling with your body image, trying to skip to "loving" your body may feel like a bridge too far and end up making you feel like a failure because you can't get there just yet.
Practicing mindfulness during intimacy: Tuning into your five senses and focusing on being totally present in the moment can help keep your mind from insecurities and help redirect it back to intimacy when it does wander. Zero in on what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel, as well as any positive emotions of connection toward your partner or yourself that you are feeling.
Be brave (assuming you are in an emotionally supportive relationship): What I mean here is, say you avoid having sex with the lights on because you are worried your partner will be disgusted by your body. If you avoid this, this belief can continue unchecked. But if you start having sex with the lights on despite your worries, you will then be having experiences where your worst fear is not coming to pass and in fact your partner is desiring your body, which can help erode this negative belief over time.
Work on your body image outside the bedroom: The bedroom is the most vulnerable place to work on your body image so start by working on it in your day to day life using the techniques outlined above. Catch those negative thoughts and rephrase them using neutral accepting language, practice mindfulness to focus on the task at hand and redirect your mind away from negative thinking, and be brave and stop avoiding things because of body image issues.
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