Moving On: How to Heal and Thrive After a Breakup
Moving on from an ex can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, filled with moments of sadness, longing, and even frustration. Whether the relationship ended amicably or unexpectedly, the void left behind can be overwhelming, making it difficult to regain your sense of self and direction. It's natural to dwell on memories, question what went wrong, or wonder how to move forward. However, the journey of healing is not just about letting go of the past—it's about rediscovering who you are and embracing the opportunities that lie ahead. In this blog, we'll dive into practical strategies and emotional insights to help you navigate the complex process of getting over an ex, finding closure, and emerging stronger and more resilient.
Acceptance of the Loss: The First Step Toward Healing
Why is it hard to get over someone?
Breakups are an inevitable part of the journey through life. It is important to learn the emotional and relational skills to “end well” and fully heal from breakups so you don’t end up with layers of unresolved relationship pain that you carry into subsequent relationships.
The term “wounded in relationship and healed in relationships” is enduring because it is accurate. We often pick people who bring up things from our childhood and other earlier relationships, but if we don’t seek to heal the patterns, triggers, and early attachment wounds that arise during a relationship and during a breakup, we will repeat those patterns in our next relationships. Freud called it “repetition compulsion” and trauma therapists call it trauma re-enactment. In other words, we will repeat painful patterns until we heal the underlying wounds that fuel our behaviors, beliefs, and reactions.
When I meet with clients who are angry at themselves for taking a long time to get over an ex, I usually point out the ways in which their grieving is about so much more than that person and, if they see this loss as a chance to learn and heal and grow, their healing may feel like it takes a little longer, but it will be deeper and more lasting. Then they won’t repeat unresolved patterns in their next relationship.
Ending a relationship is one of the most challenging experiences one can face. It often brings a whirlwind of emotions, from sadness and anger to confusion and disbelief. However, one of the most crucial steps in moving forward is the acceptance of the loss.
Embracing Reality
Acceptance is not about giving up or resigning oneself to a life of misery; rather, it's about facing the reality of the situation. Acknowledging that the relationship is over allows you to confront your emotions head-on rather than avoiding or denying them. This process involves recognizing that the relationship, as you once knew it, has come to an end and that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions about it.
The Power of Acknowledgment
By accepting the end of the relationship, you begin to create space for healing. It’s an acknowledgment that while the relationship may have been a significant part of your life, it no longer serves your well-being. This acceptance is vital in allowing yourself to process the grief and start rebuilding your life.
Moving Forward
Acceptance is the gateway to healing. When you come to terms with the reality of the loss, you can start to let go of what once was and focus on what lies ahead. It helps to shift your mindset from what has been lost to what can be gained from this new chapter in your life. This shift is essential for personal growth and for opening yourself up to new possibilities.
Practical Steps to Acceptance
Reflect on the Relationship: Take time to think about the relationship’s impact on your life. Reflecting on both the positive and negative aspects can help you understand why it ended and what you can learn from it.
Express Your Feelings: Writing in a journal, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking support from a therapist can help you articulate and process your emotions.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Accept that it’s normal to feel hurt and that healing is a gradual process.
Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your well-being. This can include hobbies, exercise, or spending time with supportive people.
Dig Into Personal Healing and Growth: A breakup is a powerful opportunity to explore a deeper level of healing and growth, gain all the wisdom you can from this past relationship, and prepare for a healthier relationship in the future. Friends are quick to say “forgot that person, it was all their fault” but not dig into what might have drawn you to that person or made you stay when it wasn’t the right relationship. You need to dig into your side of the relationship in individual therapy so that any unhealthy patterns you carry with you won’t be carried into the next relationship.
If you want to learn more about how therapy can help you, book a free consultation with Thrive Psychology Group. We offer in-person therapy in California and New York, as well as online therapy in more than 42 states.
Establish Boundaries: A Key Component of Healing
After a breakup, setting boundaries is crucial for your emotional and mental well-being. Boundaries help create a space for healing by reducing triggers and preventing unnecessary pain. Here’s why establishing clear boundaries is essential and how to implement them effectively:
The Role of Boundaries in Healing
Boundaries are not about shutting out or punishing your ex; rather, they are about protecting yourself and allowing space for recovery. By setting emotional and physical boundaries, you can create a healthier environment that supports your healing process.
Emotional Boundaries
Limit Communication: Avoiding direct communication with your ex can help minimize emotional triggers. This includes refraining from text messages, calls, or in-person meetings. Continuous contact can reopen wounds and make it harder to move on.
Stay Off Social Media: Social media can be a significant source of pain after a breakup. Seeing updates or photos of your ex can trigger feelings of sadness or jealousy. Consider unfollowing or muting your ex to create a digital boundary that supports your emotional well-being.
Avoid Discussing the Ex: While sharing your feelings with friends is important, constant discussion about your ex can prolong the pain. Focus on your own healing rather than dwelling on the past. A therapist is the best person to discuss your ex with because a good therapist will make sure that the focus remains on you and your healing.
Physical Boundaries
Create Space: Physically distancing yourself from places or activities that remind you of your ex can be beneficial. If you share frequent spots or routines, consider finding new places or hobbies to avoid constant reminders. After a period of time, when you are feeling more healed and have moved more into the acceptance phase of grief, reintroducing these familiar places and activities into your life is also an important time for your healing. A therapist can help you navigate when the right timing is for returning to places and activities that remind you of your ex.
Control Shared Belongings: If you have shared items or spaces, establish clear guidelines on how to handle these. This might involve dividing belongings or deciding on a method for returning items in a way that minimizes emotional distress.
Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries
Communicate Clearly: If you need to set boundaries with your ex, communicate your needs respectfully and clearly. Let them know the boundaries you’re setting and the reasons behind them. But, remember, you don’t need consensus on the boundaries, either. Explaining your reasoning is more about being kind and clear, not about getting their agreement. If you feel like they aren’t following the boundaries you set, then you will need to get firmer or block them.
Be Firm Yet Compassionate: While it’s important to be firm in maintaining your boundaries, approach the situation with compassion. Understand that boundaries are meant to benefit both parties by allowing time for healing.
Reflect and Adjust: Boundaries may need to be adjusted as you progress through your healing journey. Regularly reflect on what’s working and what might need to change to better support your recovery.
Focus on Self-Care: Nurturing Your Well-Being After a Breakup
During the healing process following a breakup, prioritizing self-care is essential for emotional recovery and overall well-being. Self-care helps you reconnect with yourself, build resilience, and foster a positive outlook for the future. Here’s why focusing on self-care is crucial and how to incorporate it into your routine:
The Importance of Self-Care
Self-care involves taking deliberate actions to support your mental, emotional, and physical health. After a breakup, focusing on self-care can help alleviate stress, improve your mood, and boost your self-esteem. It’s a way to invest in yourself and create a foundation for moving forward.
Self-Care Activities to Consider
Exercise: Physical activity is not only good for your body but also beneficial for your mind. Exercise releases endorphins, which can elevate your mood and reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. Whether it’s a brisk walk, a workout class, or yoga, find an activity that you enjoy and make it a regular part of your routine.
Meditation and Mindfulness: Practices such as meditation, mindfulness, or deep breathing exercises can help calm your mind and reduce stress. These practices allow you to focus on the present moment, which can be especially helpful in managing overwhelming emotions and finding inner peace.
Spending Time with Friends and Family: Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family can provide comfort and perspective. Engage in activities that make you feel connected and uplifted. Social support is crucial for emotional healing, so don’t hesitate to reach out to loved ones during this time.
Pursuing Hobbies and Interests: Reconnect with activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Whether it’s painting, reading, cooking, or playing a musical instrument, dedicating time to your passions can boost your mood and provide a sense of accomplishment.
Rest and Relaxation: Ensure you’re getting enough rest and allowing yourself time to relax. Adequate sleep is vital for emotional stability, and taking time to unwind can help you recharge. Consider activities like taking baths, enjoying a quiet moment, or practicing relaxation techniques.
Setting Goals: Focus on personal growth by setting small, achievable goals. This could include learning a new skill, pursuing a personal project, or making positive changes in your daily routine. Achieving these goals can build confidence and provide a sense of direction.
Practical Tips for Effective Self-Care
Create a Routine: Establish a daily or weekly self-care routine that incorporates activities you enjoy. Consistency in self-care practices helps maintain a sense of normalcy and stability.
Listen to Your Needs: Pay attention to what your mind and body are telling you. If you need more rest, relaxation, or social interaction, honor those needs and adjust your self-care practices accordingly.
Set Boundaries: As part of your self-care, set boundaries with people or activities that might drain your energy or hinder your recovery. Protect your time and space to focus on your well-being.
Avoid Rebound Relationships: Why Timing Matters in Healing
In the aftermath of a breakup, it can be tempting to quickly jump into a new relationship as a way to ease the pain or fill the void left by your previous partner. However, entering a new relationship too soon, often referred to as a rebound relationship, can have significant risks and may impede your healing process. Here’s why it’s important to be cautious and take the time you need before pursuing a new romantic connection:
Understanding Rebound Relationships
A rebound relationship is one that begins shortly after the end of a previous relationship, often driven by the desire to move on quickly or avoid dealing with the emotional fallout from the breakup. While the intention might be to find comfort or distraction, rebound relationships can be problematic for several reasons.
The Risks of Rebound Relationships
Unresolved Emotions: Jumping into a new relationship before fully processing the end of your previous one can result in unresolved emotions being carried over. This can create complications and emotional baggage that affects both you and your new partner.
Inaccurate Expectations: Entering a new relationship in the heat of the moment can lead to unrealistic expectations. You might project qualities or desires from your past relationship onto your new partner, which can lead to disappointment and misunderstandings.
Delayed Healing: Rebound relationships can delay the healing process by preventing you from fully addressing and understanding your own needs and emotions. Without this introspection, you may find it challenging to move on and grow from the experience.
Potential for Unfair Comparisons: You might unintentionally compare your new partner to your ex, which can create an unfair dynamic in the new relationship. This can put undue pressure on your new partner and hinder the development of a genuine connection.
Increased Vulnerability: Entering a new relationship prematurely can make you more vulnerable to being hurt again. If you’re not emotionally ready, you might find yourself more susceptible to disappointment or emotional distress.
How to Avoid Rebound Relationships
Give Yourself Time: Allow yourself the necessary time to heal and process your emotions before seeking a new relationship. This period of reflection helps you understand what you want and need from a future partner.
Focus on Personal Growth: Use the time after a breakup to focus on personal development. Engage in activities that build self-awareness and help you grow as an individual, which can ultimately lead to healthier future relationships.
Build a Strong Support Network: Surround yourself with friends and family who can offer emotional support and encouragement during this time. Their presence can provide comfort and perspective as you navigate the healing process.
Reflect on Your Previous Relationship: Take time to reflect on what you’ve learned from your past relationship. Understanding what worked and what didn’t can help you make more informed decisions in future relationships.
Practice Forgiveness: Letting Go of Pain and Resentment
Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing after a breakup. It involves releasing lingering emotional pain and resentment, which can otherwise impede your recovery and personal growth. Forgiving both yourself and your ex can lead to a sense of closure and peace, enabling you to move forward with a clearer and more positive mindset. Here’s why forgiveness is crucial and how to practice it effectively:
The Role of Forgiveness in Healing
Forgiveness is not about condoning or excusing any hurtful behavior; rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of negative emotions. Holding onto anger, guilt, or resentment can keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from fully embracing your future. By practicing forgiveness, you release these emotions and create space for emotional healing.
Forgiving Yourself
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind and understanding toward yourself. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay to have imperfections. Self-compassion helps you let go of harsh judgments and fosters a more forgiving attitude toward yourself.
Reflect and Learn: Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth. Reflect on what you’ve learned from the relationship and how you can apply these lessons to improve yourself and your future relationships.
Release Self-Blame: Understand that a breakup is often the result of multiple factors and that blaming yourself for everything is neither fair nor productive. Focus on what you can control and how you can grow from the experience.
Actionable Strategies for Healing: What You Can Do to Move On
Let yourself grieve and feel the feelings. Sometimes, when you are angry at your ex and can see all the ways you are better off without them, you may be tempted to suppress the sadness because you may mistake it for weakness. But, being sad doesn’t mean you should get back together with a toxic ex or that missing them means you made a mistake. This is one of the times when you need to Mama Bear yourself. You can fully protect yourself from an unhealthy relationship and set clear boundaries, while also loving and nurturing yourself in a place of emotional safety. Suppressing your emotions just gets you all bottled up and slows the healing process, so feel your feelings. But, recognize that feelings and actions are separate things and you can feel anger without sending nasty texts and sadness without running back to someone who causes you repeated pain. You may be grieving who you wanted that person to be, whom you hoped they would become, or a deeper wound related to a core belief that people you love will hurt and leave you. Feel the feelings and explore the root cause.
Don’t look at their social media. Don’t look up your ex over and over on social media and create stories in your mind about how they are doing versus how you are doing. As human beings, we evolve biologically way slower than technology has progressed….and it is breaking our brains and messing with our nervous systems. It is only in the last few decades that we could have needless access to our ex’s life in our own home and we aren’t built to grieve like that. If you are going to look them up, make an agreement with yourself to only do it outside your home or safe spaces. Otherwise, your poor nervous system gets confused feeling all the old feelings in what should be your safe space. Let yourself have emotional and psychological boundaries the same way you should be creating physical boundaries with an ex. It will speed up the healing process.
Look at your part of the relationship and seek to heal yourself in this break-up process. Your girlfriends may skew towards a “They sucked and you should be happy now” way of supporting you, but I think this extreme anger women friends can feel towards their friends' exes, can be a mix of protectiveness and how they wish they could feel about their exes during messy break-ups. But, your ex is out of your life now. Even if they were the world’s worst partner, you still chose them at one point in time and it will lead to a greater sense of empowerment and hope for the next relationship if you can figure out what happened on your end and heal it. Stewing in feelings of hate and blame for your ex won’t serve you in the long run. Feel the feelings, release them, and get to work on yourself so you can be in a better place for receiving a better kind of love next time.
As you embark on the journey of healing and personal growth, implementing these actionable steps can guide you toward a more positive and fulfilling future. Remember, moving forward takes time and self-compassion, and you don’t have to navigate this process alone. Thrive Psychology Group is here to support you with expert guidance and resources tailored to your needs. By taking these steps and seeking professional support when needed, you can build a stronger, more resilient you and embrace the new opportunities that lie ahead.
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